What am I after, really?

Today I was challenged again by the Lord about my concepts of success. I want to be successful and I don't think that is wrong in itself, but often my ideas of what that looks like are distorted and influenced more by this world than by the Kingdom of God.

I think God has been striving with me for many years over this, and how it impacts my evaluations of ministry at The Canopy. The cult of numerical success (yes, the idea of 'size matters'!) in ministry is profound and despite my best efforts to remind myself of the ministry values of Jesus, somehow I continue to be drawn back towards a desire for numbers as a standard of success.

For years when I would run into people who would talk about numbers not mattering, I would silently decide that they were being pious and providing an excuse for the fact that the numbers simply weren't there, and that ultimately they DID care about numbers.

So here's where I'm currently at: I've settled the issue that God doesn't really care all that much about numbers as a measure of success; but I often DO.
I actually think that desire is shrinking in my life, but it's still there, so I might as well own up to it.

Anyway, here's a quote from Henri Nouwen that I found quite impacting:

"There is a great difference between successfulness and
fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and
respectability. A successful person has the energy to create
something, to keep control over its development, and to make
it available in large quantities. Success brings many
rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness
and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the
fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit
born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit
that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's
remind one another that what brings us true joy is not
successfulness but fruitfulness."